My Husband Says Porn Is Harmless, But I’m Devastated. What Can I Do?

Dear Still Waters,

I recently discovered that my husband has been watching pornography, and I’m devastated. He hasn’t wanted to be intimate with me for months, and more and more, he’s withdrawn — spending his time isolated with video games and television. When I confronted him, he said he watches porn because he “needs the excitement” and that it’s “harmless.” But nothing about this feels harmless to me. He seems to be changing in every way, and I feel like I’m losing the man I married.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but I don’t know if I can keep living like this. I don’t want to make a decision out of emotion. I don’t know if I have biblical grounds to divorce. I feel deeply hurt, confused, heartbroken, and abandoned. What should I do?— Sally Anne

Dear Sally Anne,

I’m so sorry. I wish I could sit across from you and say that in person — because what you’re carrying right now deserves more than a written response. The ache you’re feeling is not just about discovering something painful — it’s about being slowly disconnected from someone you love, and waking up each day to a relationship that no longer feels safe, close, or honoring.

You’re not overreacting. What you’ve described — the emotional distance, the lack of intimacy, the secret use of pornography, and the dismissal of your pain — all of it matters. It matters because you matter. This isn’t about being dramatic or over-spiritual. It’s about the quiet unraveling of a covenant that was meant to be a place of connection, not loneliness.

I hear the weight of your question: “Do I have biblical grounds to leave?” That’s not an easy thing to ask. And it’s certainly not something to answer flippantly. Scripture does make room for divorce in cases of sexual immorality — and the word Jesus uses in Matthew 19:9, porneia, is broad. It includes many forms of sexual betrayal, not just physical affairs. So yes, persistent and unrepentant pornography use may fall within that category.

But that doesn’t mean you have to decide right now. And it doesn’t mean the only two options are “stay and suffer” or “leave and be done.” Sometimes the wisest and most faithful first step is simply to pause. To take a breath. To create space — emotionally, or even physically. Many women in your shoes choose separation for a time, not to give up on their marriage, but to make room for change. Sometimes it brings space for healing. Sometimes it opens a path to move on. Either way, it can be a step toward truth.

Please don’t rush your process. God is not impatient with you. He’s not waiting for you to “just make the right decision.” He’s walking with you, step by step. He sees your heartbreak. He hears your questions. And He cares about your broken heart more than you can imagine.

You don’t have to untangle all of this at once, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Friend, your value isn’t determined by someone else’s actions. Your worth hasn’t been diminished by the way you’ve been treated. You are God’s beloved — deeply seen, fully known, and held together by a love that doesn’t let go.

Whether your marriage heals or not, I believe healing is still possible — for you. For your heart. For your future. You are not alone.

Grace and peace to you,

A Still Waters Therapist

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