Blaming: When We Hold the Mirror and Point the Finger

Aug 7, 2022
4 min read

Updated: Jun 1

There’s something deeply human about looking for a place to pin our pain. When life hurts—when something doesn’t go the way we hoped, when relationships unravel, when we feel unseen or misunderstood—our hearts naturally want an explanation. A culprit. A cause.

In the world of cognitive distortions, this tendency has a name: blaming. According to Dr. David Burns, a pioneer in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), blaming is “one of the toughest and most destructive of all distortions.” He even links it to profound emotional suffering and, in many cases, suicidal thoughts. That’s not a stretch when you consider how blaming—whether directed inward or outward—can poison hope and paralyze healing.

At Still Waters Counseling Center, we believe in a redemptive approach to healing: one that pairs the best of psychological science with the unshakable truth of God’s Word. So today, let’s walk through the final distortion in our series and explore how both scripture and science speak to the healing of hearts tangled in blame.

Two Faces of Blame

Blame tends to show up in two forms:

Self-blame – where we turn the finger inward.
Other-blame – where we point it outward.

Both stem from the same root: the word “should.”“I should have known better.”“She should have treated me differently.”“He shouldn’t have done that.”

Each “should” we stack on ourselves or others builds a wall between reality and grace.

When You Blame Yourself

Self-blame often sounds like:

“I’m a bad mom.”
“This is all my fault.”
“If I had just tried harder…”

These thoughts don’t just sting. They wound. And left unchecked, they can spiral into shame, depression, and self-loathing.

But here’s the hope tucked into the heart of CBT: self-blame is usually easier to reframe than other-blame. Why? Because when we examine our thoughts with honesty and compassion, we often find we aren’t as awful as we feared. We find the grace of truth.

God never asks us to live under the crushing weight of condemnation. In fact, Romans 8:1 reminds us, “There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” The more we examine our distorted thoughts in the light of God’s truth, the more we uncover this powerful grace: we are not beyond redemption, and we were never meant to carry blame alone.

When You Blame Others

Other-blame is a little trickier. It often feels justified. And let’s be honest—sometimes others really do mess up. Hurt us. Disappoint us.

But when our thoughts sound like:

“He’s the reason I can’t succeed.”
“She doesn’t deserve that recognition.”
“They are the whole problem…”

...we enter dangerous territory. Other-blame leads to anger, resentment, superiority, and helplessness. It places the power to change our life in someone else’s hands—a frustrating, stuck, powerless place to live.

To move forward, we have to wrestle with a sobering reality: sometimes the “problem” is how we’re seeing the problem. And facing this darker side of ourselves—the pride, the bitterness, the craving for control—isn’t pleasant. But it’s holy.

A Story of Turning Around

Dr. Burns shares a story about a brilliant scientist who was consumed by rage over a colleague's success. Though his own research was impeccable, his coworker, a less rigorous but charismatic presenter, gained more recognition. The scientist became increasingly bitter, blaming the other man for his stalled career.

But as the client began examining his thought patterns, he saw a new truth: his own resentment was diminishing his credibility and hindering his success. He realized that his belief in his own moral superiority was feeding his bitterness.

That was his turning point.

He reframed his thoughts: “Both of us have flaws. His may be a lack of rigor. Mine is pride. I’ve been letting my pride lead me—and it’s leading me nowhere.”

That awareness didn’t just shift his thinking. It shifted his life. He began building relationships, communicating more effectively, and advancing his work without compromising his integrity. His credibility grew—not because he became someone else, but because he allowed God to refine the parts of him that were in the way.

Scripture Speaks

This kind of change—this dying to self—is central to the Christian life. Galatians 5:24 tells us, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there.”

It’s not just about naming our sin, but nailing it.Not just feeling conviction, but walking in freedom.Not just managing behaviors, but surrendering our hearts.

Blame—whether directed inward or outward—is a distortion that muddies our vision. But CBT, infused with the power of God’s Word, helps us clean the lens. It gives us tools to understand our thoughts and the spiritual discernment to measure them against truth.

When we take our thoughts captive, as 2 Corinthians 10:5 urges, we aren’t just gaining emotional insight. We’re submitting our minds to the mind of Christ.

Your Next Step: Reframe and Reflect

If you’ve noticed patterns of blame in your life—either toward yourself or others—consider trying these simple yet powerful steps:

Practice Reattribution: Ask yourself, “What are all the contributing factors here?” Often, a situation isn’t all one person’s fault. Where can you take healthy responsibility?
Try a Cost/Benefit Analysis: Write out the benefits and drawbacks of continuing to believe your current thoughts. Is this line of thinking serving you or keeping you stuck?
Check Your Thoughts with Scripture: Once you identify a more balanced or truthful thought, ask: Does this align with God’s Word? Is it leading me toward healing, wholeness, and grace?

And if you’re struggling to face your own darker-side, let this be your encouragement: God is not afraid of your shadow. He sees every flaw, every distorted thought, every buried hurt—and He still calls you chosen.

A Final Word

At Still Waters Counseling Center, we believe that true healing involves both heart and mind. Tools like CBT help us untangle our thoughts, but scripture anchors them in eternal truth.

May you walk forward today a little freer, a little lighter, and a little more willing to hand over the burden of blame—because Jesus already carried it for you.