When “Should” Steals Your Peace

Jun 26, 2022
4 min read

Updated: Jun 1

Have you ever caught yourself saying things like:

“I should be doing more.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“I should be over this by now.”

If so, you’re not alone. These sneaky little “shoulds” can sound so responsible—so reasonable even—but they often weigh us down more than they help us rise up.

At Still Waters Counseling, we meet with people every week who are burdened by an invisible checklist of expectations. They’re exhausted from trying to live up to the endless “shoulds” swirling in their minds. And we get it. We've been there, too.

But what if we told you that many of these “shoulds” are actually a type of distorted thinking that creates unnecessary suffering?

What Are "Should" Distortions?

In the world of mental health, there's a name for habits of faulty thinking: Cognitive Distortions. And the “should statement” is one of the most common types. It’s when we place rigid, unrealistic expectations on ourselves, others, or the world—then feel anxious, angry, or ashamed when reality doesn’t cooperate.

Dr. Albert Ellis, a well-known figure in the field of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), once said, “Stop shoulding on yourself.” A cheeky way to name a serious issue—our internal rules and expectations often create more pain than progress.

Another CBT pioneer, Dr. David Burns, explains that not all “shoulds” are bad. There are healthy shoulds:

Scientific Shoulds – If I drop a pen, it should fall. Gravity makes it so.
Moral Shoulds – God’s commandments are loving guardrails.
Social Shoulds – We should drive within the speed limit to keep everyone safe.

The Many Faces of “Should”

Let’s break it down. These “should distortions” tend to show up in four ways:

Shoulds Toward Ourselves“I should be stronger.” This often breeds guilt, shame, and perfectionism.
Shoulds Toward Others“They should know better.” Cue frustration, resentment, and strained relationships.
Shoulds About Circumstances“It shouldn’t be this hard.” Which leads to discouragement, anger, and despair.
Spiritual Shoulds“I shouldn’t feel doubt or sadness if I trust God.” These are perhaps the most painful, because they shame us in the very place we’re meant to find refuge—our relationship with the Lord.

But What Does the Bible Say?

God’s Word is clear: He calls us to truth, not torture. To grace, not guilt.

Romans 12:2 says, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” That includes laying down our unhealthy “shoulds” and picking up His promises instead.

Yes, Scripture contains commandments. There are Godly “shoulds” rooted in love, like:

We should love one another (John 13:34)
We should forgive as we’ve been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32)

But those are never meant to shame us—they are meant to lead us to freedom. And when we fall short (because we all do), the Gospel meets us with grace, not condemnation.

The True Story of a Soul Set Free

Consider the story of Charlotte Elliott. In her early years, she was joyful, vibrant, and deeply loved. But after falling ill in her thirties, she became confined to a wheelchair, losing her independence and sense of identity. She spiraled into bitterness and depression.

A wise pastor gently encouraged her to bring her pain to Jesus—not with pretenses or polished prayers, but just as she was. That moment shifted everything. Charlotte began to write hymns, the most famous being “Just As I Am”. The very hymn that led Billy Graham to Christ—and one he used in every crusade to invite others to surrender.

What once felt like a ruined life became a vessel for God’s power.

The truth? Charlotte’s illness didn’t cripple her. Her hopeless thoughts did. And when her thoughts shifted, her purpose flourished.

From Condemnation to Compassion: How to Break Free

Here are four gentle steps we often guide clients through as they work to quiet the “shoulds” and hear God’s voice more clearly:

1. Recognize the “Should” and Reflect on Its Impact

Write down one recurring “should” thought. Then ask:

Is this helping or hurting me?
What emotion does it stir in me?
Does this line up with God's grace or human perfectionism?

2. Replace the “Should” With a Truth-Filled Phrase

In therapy, we call this a semantic shift.

Instead of saying, “I should never feel this way,”

try:“I’m feeling this way because I’m human. God meets me here with love, not shame.”

Other helpful phrases:

“It would be helpful if…”
“I would prefer to…”
“Next time, I hope to…”

3. Practice Socratic Questioning

Ask yourself:

Is this thought true?
Who says I have to live by this rule?
What would I tell a friend if they thought this way?
What does God’s Word say about this?

4. Lean Into Radical Acceptance

You are not your mistakes. You are not your emotions. You are not your “shoulds.”You are a beloved child of God, right now, just as you are. And He’s not waiting for you to be perfect—He’s inviting you to be present.

An Invitation to Rest

Friend, the next time you feel that “should…” pressure rise up, pause. Breathe. Invite Jesus into the moment. Ask, “Lord, what do YOU say?”

And if your thoughts are tangled and too heavy to sort alone, we’re here to help. At Still Waters Counseling, we believe healing begins with honesty—and sometimes the bravest thing we can do is admit we’re tired of trying to earn love we already have.

Come. Sit. Breathe.Let’s lay down the “shoulds” together and listen instead to the gentle whisper of truth.