Trading Toxic Positivity for True Hope

Beverly Ward
May 18
5 min read

Updated: Jun 1

When someone we love is hurting, it’s only natural to want to help. We reach for words that sound encouraging—phrases that might bring light into a dark moment. “Just stay positive.” “Look on the bright side.” “At least it’s not worse.” These sentiments are usually offered with kindness and hope.

But while these responses may be well-intentioned, they can sometimes miss the mark—especially when someone is walking through real grief, heartache, or trauma. In those raw spaces, what a hurting heart needs most isn’t a quick fix or silver lining. It’s presence. Compassion. A safe place to be honest about the pain.

I’ve seen it in counseling sessions, and I’ve lived it in my own life: encouragement that heals is rooted in deep empathy, not avoidance. When we rush to cheer someone up, we may accidentally bypass their real emotions—and in doing so, leave them feeling unseen.

So today, let’s gently explore the difference between hope that heals and they type of positivity that hinders. Together, we’ll look at what science and Scripture teach us about honoring sorrow, embracing honesty, and choosing words that make room for both grief and grace.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

In psychological terms, toxic positivity is the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization, or invalidation of authentic human emotional experiences. You might call it forced cheerfulness.

Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, puts it this way:

“When you push emotions aside in favor of forced positivity, you lose the capacity to truly grow. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”

Toxic positivity says:

“Don’t think about it. Just be grateful.”
“You should be happy. Others have it worse.”
“Everything happens for a reason, so don’t be sad.”

But science shows that suppressing emotions—especially negative ones—can actually increase stress, anxiety, and even physical illness. It creates a disconnection between what we feel and what we’re allowed to express.

We weren’t created to be robots with smiley faces pasted on our pain. We were created in the image a God who feels deeply—and who welcomes our sorrow as much as our joy.

A Biblical Invitation to Share It All

The shortest verse in the Bible may also be one of the most powerful: “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35, NLT)

Let that sink in. The Son of God, who himself knew no sin, stopped to weep with His friends. He didn’t bypass their grief. He entered it.

Scripture is full of examples of Godly people expressing deep, raw emotion:

David wrote Psalms of despair and lament, crying out, “How long, O Lord?” (Psalm 13:1)
Job tore his robe and sat in ashes (Job 2:8), and cursed the day he was born (Job 3)
Paul said he “despaired of life itself.” (2 Corinthians 1:8)
Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, poured out grief and frustration to God.

Nowhere in Scripture do we see God saying, “Cheer up. This isn’t that bad.” Instead, He meets His people in their pain and says I am with you.

The Bible is full of hope anchored in Truth—a hope that acknowledges the brokenness and heartache of life and yet trusts in God’s goodness anyway.

Why Toxic Positivity Hurts

When we use clichés to cover emotional wounds, it doesn’t heal people. It silences them. It tells them that their pain is unwelcome. It can create guilt on top of grief, shame on top of struggle.

Some common examples of spiritually toxic positivity include:

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.” (This is often a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which refers to temptation, not suffering.)
“You just need to pray more.”
“If you had more faith, you wouldn’t feel this way.”

These phrases may come from a well-meaning place, but they often land hard. They imply that real Christians don’t feel anxious, or sad, or angry. But Jesus Himself felt those emotions—and He is the Way, the Truth and the Life (John 14:6).

Healthy Hope

So what’s the alternative? If we shouldn’t force a smile through the storm, what does healthy hope look like?

1. Validate the pain.

The Bible gives us permission to feel. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us there’s a time to cry, a time to grieve, and a time to rejoice. Emotion is not the enemy. It’s part of being human.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18, NLT)

God doesn’t wait for us to get it together. He comes close in the mess.

2. Be gut level honest

David was honest with God. So was Job. So was Jesus in Gethsemane when He said, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” (Matthew 26:38, NIV)

God isn’t asking us to hold it all together—He’s inviting us to bring our whole selves, even the messy, aching parts. It isn’t about having perfect words or polished prayers. It’s about showing up authentically, even when your voice trembles and your heart sinks.

3. Be real

Healthy hope doesn’t ignore reality; it invites Jesus into it. It says, “This is hard. But God is with me. And that changes everything.”

Romans 5:3-5 lays it out beautifully: “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance… And this hope will not lead to disappointment.”

This verse does not tell us to pretend we are okay, or deny what is real, but rather to rejoice in Christ despite our trials because we have the hope of His promises. Hope doesn’t mean everything feels good. It means we trust that God is good, always.

Let’s Aim for Honest Presence

When someone is hurting, we don’t need perfect words—we need present hearts. Here are a few simple phrases that can hold great healing:

“That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to walk through this alone.”
“It’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling.”
“God sees you. I see you. I’m here.”

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is, “I hear you and I’m with you in it.”

Let’s not offer sugar when someone needs sustenance. Instead, let’s walk with people through their pain. Let’s sit in the ashes if we must—and remind each other that resurrection always comes.

Because the gospel is not about pretending life is perfect. It’s about a Savior who is perfect and enters our pain, carries our grief, and offers real and unshakable hope—not despite our sorrow, but right in the middle of it.